5 Times Tony Mocked Phil's Virginity, and 1 Time Steve Interfered
by CeliaEquus
Summary: "'I'm the only person in this room who hasn't done that'," Tony mimicked childishly. "He's not." As one, they all looked at Phil... This is a Capsicoul fic written for a prompt on the Avengers Kink Meme. Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers, or any other Marvel thingummies, nor am I making money from this. Rated for references.


From the Avengers Kink Meme:

Tony teases Steve about his virginity, and Coulson stands up for him. Then Tony starts teasing Coulson by calling him a virgin, and when he finds out it's true, Tony borderline bullies Coulson until Steve stands up for him. After a heart to heart, Coulson and Steve end up losing their virginity to each other.

Kind of stuck to the prompt. *Scratches head* Hope the OP approves.

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"5 Times Tony Mocked Phil's Virginity, and 1 Time Steve Interfered"

1

"Virginity is no laughing matter, Mr. Stark," Phil said sternly. Tony was smirking across the table from Steve. The Avengers were still dressed, having a quick meal at home before they had to go to SHIELD for a debriefing.

"Sure it is, Agent," Tony said, not looking away from Steve's flushed face. "A ninety-year-old virgin is just sad. And funny."

"Actually, the years in the ice literally froze Steve in time, so he's still in his twenties," Bruce piped up. How he managed to sound perky when he looked like hell was an accomplishment. Tony waved his hand dismissively.

"I can get someone to take care of it for you, Capsicle," he said. "Get her to dress up as one of those USO girls, if you're into that."

"Leave him alone, Stark," Natasha said, scowling from the other end of the table.

"It's still sad for a twenty-something to be a virgin, especially when he's that hot!" Tony said, jerking his head towards Steve.

"We all know you have low standards when it comes to your bed companions…"

"It isn't that. But I'm not used to being in a room with an of-age virgin, let alone sharing a meal with one."

"And of course it's all about you," she snarked.

"Listen, I know I'm the only person in this room who hasn't done… _that_," Steve said, clenching his hands. "But Agent Coulson is right. It's not a laughing matter. It's just what it is."

"'I'm the only person in this room who hasn't done _that_'," Tony mimicked childishly.

"He's not."

As one, they all looked at Phil, who was still busy writing notes for the debriefing, between having sips of coffee. He glanced up when he noticed the silence. The fact that Tony Stark had shut up was gratifying. His gaze shifted to Steve, who had bitten his bottom lip, before releasing it slowly.

"You don't have to lie for my sake, sir," Steve said. Phil half-smiled.

"I'm not," he said simply. "I've just never really been interested. The few times I have, I've either been busy with work, or the person hasn't been interested in _me_. And I refuse to pay for those kinds of services." He shrugged. "It's no big deal."

"No. Big. Deal?" Tony said. He was close to stuttering. "That's worse than Rogers still having his V-card! What are you? Fifty-something?"

"Forty-three, actually—"

"You see? You see?" He looked around at everyone. "That's worse, right?"

Threats from Natasha and Clint soon shut him up. But Phil knew that it was just the beginning when he found that Tony had changed his ring-tone to 'Like a Virgin'.

2

"Hey, Phil!"

The agent closed his eyes, just briefly, forcing himself not to reach for his taser. When he felt confident enough, he turned, and arched a single eyebrow when Tony skidded to a halt in front of him.

"Aren't we supposed to be going to the gym?" Steve called from the end of the passageway. "You need to build up your strength, Tony."

"So you know how you're on your way to becoming a spinster?" Tony asked Phil.

"A what?"

"Well, I've decided to take you to the pet shelter."

That was… unexpected.

"What're you talking about?" Steve asked, frowning. Phil felt a twinge of admiration brought on by this show of disapproval. Unfortunately, Tony's full attention was on Phil.

"You'll retire from SHIELD one day, right?" he said.

"Doubtful," Phil said. "Even assuming I don't die in the line of duty."

"Sir," Steve said, sounding reproachful. "Don't say things like that."

"Thank you for your concern, Captain Rogers, even though it's unnecessary."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Well, let's say that you decide to retire in the next… you know, however long. You'll be needing to start up your collection of cats."

"Cats? I don't understand that reference," Steve said.

"I think Mr. Stark is referring to the 'crazy old cat lady' stereotype," Phil said, and he glared at Tony. "When I am past the age of field work, I will remain as a consultant here."

"Only because you have no life outside of work," Tony muttered. Then he grinned, and bounced away towards Steve without another word, leading the way to SHIELD's gymnasium. Steve shrugged, and followed him, leaving Phil free to return to his office.

3

Phil was always – justifiably – suspicious of unexplained packages on his desk. His brow furrowed as he circled it. Any post would have been examined before it was brought to him, and there were indeed letters sitting on top.

He still approached it with caution, and nearly jumped out of his skin when someone knocked at the door. He was surprised to see Steve, hand resting on the doorframe.

"Good morning, sir."

"Good morning, Captain Rogers."

"You okay?"

Phil nodded, and he knocked the rest of his correspondence out of the way. He grimaced when he saw who had ostensibly sent the parcel. He ripped the large envelope open, and his eyes nearly fell out of his head when he pulled out a book. He must have made some kind of choking sound, because he felt someone grasp his shoulder. He glanced to the left, and gulped at the eyeful of Steve's chest.

"What's the prob… Oh, my God." Steve pulled the book out of Phil's hands. "What… why would…"

"Stark," Phil said through gritted teeth.

"This is a… a…"

"Book on the human reproductive system. A _pop-up_ book on the human reproductive system."

Steve fumbled with it, and Phil took it from him. The soldier was bright red.

"That's… that's _horrible_," he whispered.

"Relax. I've seen worse things. Stark will grow tired of these juvenile pranks soon enough. He has a short attention span."

"Still. This is close to bullying."

"Forget about it, Captain. I'm sure this will be the last of it. Though I'm kind of regretting not going with him to an animal shelter. I might've been able to get an attack dog. Train it to respond to Stark's blood."

Steve laughed.

4

It was well within Fury's right to send Phil to the Avengers Mansion as their liaison. That was part of his job, and he was happy to do it.

But the risk of running into Tony Stark was enough to make him hesitate before stepping into the elevator. The billionaire would know that Phil was dropping in; and even though it shouldn't have been possible, spam for dating websites, prostitution services, and even Viagra – usually blocked by SHIELD's computers – was somehow getting through on his email account. There was only one person who could do it, and would dare to do it.

So, disappointed as he was, Phil wasn't surprised when he encountered Tony in the shared living room.

"Shouldn't you be in your workshop?" he asked.

"Aw, I'm hurt, Agent. People are always trying to get me to socialise, and now you want to send poor Cinderella back to the fireplace." Tony smirked at Steve. "Get that reference?"

"Got it," Steve said, scowling back. Bruce and Thor had stopped chatting when Phil came in, and he could see their heads turning from one speaker to the other.

"Director Fury sent me here," Phil said, changing the subject. "JARVIS, could you ask Agents Barton and Romanov to join us, please?"

"I have already done so, Agent Coulson. They are on their way."

"Thank you."

"After this, I need to see you alone for half an hour or so, Agent Coulson," Tony said, mock-seriously. "I think it's about time you… had The Talk."

Phil clutched the handle of his briefcase with both hands. If he had Steve or Thor's strength, he'd risk crumpling the whole thing. "I can assure you, _Mr. Stark_, that my father took care of that a long time ago."

"Ah, okay," Tony said, nodding. "Good. Then I'll just give you some pointers. You know, if you decide not to be an old maid."

"I do not understand how the _Son _of Coul can be a maid," Thor said, his eyebrows scrunching up. "He is not contemplating the act of becoming a eunuch, is he?"

Bruce choked on air, and cringed away from Thor trying to hit him on the back.

"I'm fine," he rasped. Tony frowned.

"See what you've done to my science bro?" he said to Thor. "Not cool."

Clint and Natasha – bless their hearts – arrived just in time. There was no way Tony would risk continuing the conversation. Right?

"So we'll talk afterwards, yeah?" he said, standing up, grin back in place. "It doesn't matter which way you swing; I can tell you how to satisfy anyone." He winked. "You can even practise on me if you—"

"You know," Phil said, staring at his taser while Tony twitched on the floor, "that was even more satisfying than I thought it'd be. Forget about work. Who wants to watch _Supernanny_?"

5

"Oh no," Steve said, staring at Phil's desk. It was post-debriefing. Tony had been smiling widely ever since they returned to SHIELD base on a Quinjet, tapping away on his phone at first, then glancing at Phil every so often. This was enough to make even the least paranoid person suspicious, and Phil had good reason to be paranoid.

"Oh yes," Phil said. He'd actually been waiting for Tony to come gloat; Steve was a pleasant surprise.

"Let me guess. A reference to… to popping someone's…" He turned as red as an emergency button, and Phil almost tutted in sympathy.

"Cherry," Phil said, pulling another off its stem. "Yeah. I think he's running out of ideas. None of them have been original, actually. Well, maybe the pet cat thing was." He shook his head. "Want some?"

"Usually I'd say yes. But in this context…"

"I understand. I'm only eating them because I haven't had breakfast."

Steve sighed as he sank into the opposite chair. No sooner was he relaxed than he was back on his feet, wide-eyed. "Sorry, sir. Permission to sit down?"

"Granted," Phil said, perplexed but bemused. Steve sat down again. "I'm wondering what to do about this."

"The joke hasn't lost its novelty value, has it?"

"Apparently not."

"Could you send them back?" Steve suggested.

"That wouldn't do any good."

"Send them to someone else?"

"I hate to think what Stark might make of that. Well, what he'd pretend to make of it."

"He might say that you're declaring your intentions to someone, sir."

Phil chuckled. "Yeah. Maybe I _should_ send them back."

"But then remember what he said that day?" Steve said. "It seems like he'd put the moves on you, even if he wasn't being serious."

"Oh, he wouldn't be serious. He's devoted to…" Phil tapped his chin as he thought. "Hmm. I've got it."

"You have?"

"Yeah." Phil smiled at Steve, who beamed back at him. "I'm going to send these – along with a can of whipped cream – to Pepper Potts, and pretend they're from Stark. She'll probably see right through it; but once he explains himself to her, we might just see a stop to these shenanigans."

"Great idea, Agent Coulson, sir," Steve said, and he saluted Phil.

+1

It really did seem to bring about a stop. Phil received no more emails from questionable sites, products, and firms. There were no more cherries, books on human anatomy, and no more changes to his ring tone. There were no more offers of personal advice (or service).

There was, instead, a plain business card slipped to Phil during dinner at the Avengers Mansion, with an appointment, an address, a name, and a phone number.

"What's this?" he asked, quietly enough so that it wouldn't interrupt anyone else's conversation.

"Nothing," Tony said, all wide-eyed false innocence.

"If it's nothing, you won't mind if I sharpen the edge and use it to neuter you, will you?"

"Hey, that's no way to treat your host!"

"I'm tired of these games, Stark," Phil said, sliding it back.

"Well, clearly you don't want to stay single," Tony said. "Otherwise you would've gone cat-shopping with me. So I figured that, while you can still manage it, I'd treat you to a little something in preparation for your future wedding, to whomever you please."

The rest of the talking stopped. Phil sighed.

"What were you planning?" he asked, immediately regretting the question.

"A wedding dress," Tony replied blithely. "I've made sure that the designer knows to make it white."

Dead silence. For about two seconds.

"Stark, you're taken it way past too far," Steve said, knocking the table as he stood up. "I should've stopped you after the cherries, but Phil thought – even I thought – that you'd get bored with this. There's nothing wrong with waiting for the right person to come along. Once upon a time, men waited, too. Such things are intimate, and special, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Just because you sleep around as much as you breathe doesn't mean that everyone else has to. It just shows that you don't have a high enough opinion of yourself to _make_ sex meaningful." He was breathing heavily by the end of his speech, towering over Tony, who had the grace to look guilty. "I can't eat with you anymore. Not until you stop this, and apologise to Phil."

Nobody spoke as Steve left the room. Phil put his knife and fork down. There was a fluttering feeling in his stomach, and he didn't want to risk eating any more. He stood as well.

"Listen, I'm—"

"Save it until you mean it, Stark," Phil said. "That book should have been the last straw. You really don't know when to stop, do you?" He nodded to the others. "Good night."

Out in the hallway, he heard someone muttering, and saw Steve down to the left. The leader of the Avengers – his defender – was slumped against the wall, hands covering his face. Phil approached him silently.

"Thanks," he said, and Steve's head jerked up, hands falling to his sides. "For the support."

"He has no right to be so mean," Steve said. "I hate bullies."

"Stark only ever exercises social graces when he has to, and even then he's usually being ironic, from what I've seen. He hasn't been taught when to stop."

"He probably got that from Howard."

Phil tried not to shuffle his feet. The butterflies in his stomach were multiplying. "I should go."

"Don't," Steve said. He crossed his arms, but it looked like he was trying to comfort himself. "Please stay?"

"I've said good night to the others."

"I didn't mean you had to stay with them."

Phil noted the red in Steve's cheeks darkening, and felt his own take on a rosy hue. "Oh. You want to…?" Steve nodded rapidly. "Really? Why?"

"Because then he won't be able to tease either of us about this again."

"Wouldn't that kind of be going against all you said in there?" Phil asked wryly, even as the heat built up in his cheeks.

"I didn't say that was the only reason," Steve said. His lips quirked up at the sides, emphasising his dimples. Phil nearly swooned. That never happened to him. "I should probably tell you that this is… this is less about Stark, and more about the fact that I just… I really just want to. I want _you_." He rubbed his chest. "I kind of feel like I used to before the serum, whenever I was about to have an asthma attack."

"I'm making you feel sick?"

"No!" Steve shook his head. "Not at all. That's not what I'm… Gosh, I'm so bad at this. It's the fluttery feeling, like a bird in my rib cage. Only with the asthma it got worse. These days, when I get the fluttery feeling, or when I can't breathe, it's because you're there. I feel that way because of you. But it's not a bad feeling. It's… it's the good kind of fluttering…" He trailed off, scratching the back of his neck. "I'm not explaining this well, am I?"

"Are you saying you like me?" Phil asked. He was experiencing some of the same sensations Steve was describing. Now that he thought about it, this wasn't a recent thing. How had he missed it? His boyish admiration of Captain America had left, only to be replaced by something completely different. Something stronger.

"I do."

Phil smiled shakily. "I like you, too."

"Then… you want to…?"

"Very much."

He took Steve's outstretched hand, and they took the elevator to the super soldier's floor.

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**And you thought I was going to indulge in smut! I… I really don't think I have the confidence to write male/male sex yet. It was a big enough leap of the imagination to get me writing female/male relations, and I'm straight. Also, I have no personal knowledge of the male anatomy. At least Steve and Phil have that advantage.**

**So, as said up above, this was from a prompt on the Avengers Kink Meme. It's my first response ever! I found it when I was surfing the various Capsicoul Tumblr sites. There was a list of prompts which hadn't been filled at the time. Three of them still haven't, from what I can tell. Being a devout shipper of this pairing, I've decided to fill them myself. Wish me luck!**


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